There is a FREE workshop for parents and educators in Jefferson City next week! Thursday, Nov. 19th, 6-8 pm.

5 Dangerous Traps
There are several common traps we fall into as parents and teachers. Here's a quick guide to keep you out of quick sand, so you don't end up over your head.

Trap 1: Comparing your kids. Comparing your child to siblings, peers or even yourself is a dead end. Each child is unique and comparing to artificial standards and expectations leads only to frustration, demeaning comments and a child who shuts down under too much pressure. Measure and celebrate progress, not perfection. If you want to get to point Z with behavior or skills, you have to go from point A to B to C. Praise along the way. Celebrate each small step so you don't go backwards.

By the way, if all your friends have perfect little angels who make the honor roll every semester, get new friends : ) Just kidding, but don't let societal pressure and anxiety cause you to press your child.

Trap 2: Being responsible for your kids' or spouse's happiness. Did you know that you are not responsible for your child's happiness?

The truth is that I am not responsible for my son's happiness, attitudes and choices--he is. Knowing that liberates me from trying to control him. Likewise, I cannot allow my child's mood to determine mine. If so, my child has complete control over me. We don't have time to cover that here, but we deal with this in detail on our Parenting CD #4: Getting Your Kids to be Responsible for themselves. We also explain why you should disappoint your child, on purpose. It's good for you and your child!

Likewise, relying on our spouse for our own happiness only leads to resentment. This is one of the things that people comment on most after listening to the Calm Couples curriculum--"Oh, I didn't realize that!" We give out of wholeness and sacrifice for others, but we cannot take on the burden of making our spouse happy. It isn't fair to them or us.

Trap 3: Focusing on changing outward behavior. This is the biggest trap of traditional behavior management, and why parents are continually frustrated that endless consequences and some therapy doesn't work for their kids. The trap is that outward behavior is merely a smokescreen hiding the underlying issue. So trying to "fix" outward behavior sends us down a destructive path while never dealing with the root issue.

Quick example: several parents have told us that since their children have been refusing to complete classwork and lying about their homework. Most people would focus inordinate time on lying, which only reinforces more lying. The truth, though, is that lying isn't even close to being the real issue. The real issue is that many children are overwhelmed and have shut down--so putting more pressure on kids to do more work and giving consequences for lying will only cause the situation to get worse. Their children need TOOLS to overcome the overwhelmed feeling. Once we do this, productivity will increase and there will be no reason to lie. No matter what behavior you are struggling with, step back for a minute and try to get to the underlying root issue. That's the power of the Calm approach.

Trap 4: Being inconsistent. "How do I STAY calm?" As you know, nothing is more important for our kids than consistency. But it's tough when the stresses of daily life cause us to revert to old habits. I'll leave it to a compassionate Mom who echoes the thoughts of many others.

"Kirk, every time I use your strategies, they work like a charm. My problem was that I would do okay for a day or a week, but then I'd fall back into old habits, feel guilty and go through this horrible cycle. That's when I decided I needed a Daily Coach and that's what I call you! I got your CDs and I just keep them in my iPod, my car, at home, scattered around. I listen first thing in the morning, when I work out, but most importantly right before I pick my kids up or when I'm pulling taxi duty for the four boys. Your voice is calming and it's just a great reminder that CALM is my goal and calm works. I have to say, I've been doing this for two months now...and EVERYONE notices the difference. My kids, my own parents, my friends, even my kids' teachers and my husband."

I personally "reset" myself a dozen times throughout the day. When I do, the day and all my interactions go much, much better. Practice this.

Trap 5: Misunderstanding and labeling your kids and students. Unless we understand the way our kids' brains are wired, we will continually misunderstand and label our children. Over time, this can have devastating consequences if we destroy confidence and create self-fulfilling prophecies ("I'm just stupid.").

Sometimes a child will be called aggressive and labeled as a bad kid, when in reality his physical behavior is a manifestation of trying to meet sensory needs. Giving him exercise and sensory experiences in the morning can alleviate the issue quickly.

Sometimes we ostracize a student for being "lazy," especially when he is bright like our kids, because he has difficulty getting thoughts from head to paper. If we give him tools to make writing easier, the laziness magically disappears!

Sometimes the child who is a slow processor rushes to get his work done so he doesn't feel stupid, feel like the last one done and miss recess. He will be labeled as careless and sloppy. He just needs different tools because his processing style is different.

You and your kids must understand exactly how their brains work. This is liberating and empowering. The most gratifying part of our work is hearing from kids who are listening to our curriculum on their iPods and discovering that they aren't bad kids or weird, that there isn't something wrong with them, that they just need to learn how to overcome weaknesses while they use their creativity and energy to their advantage. That's powerful